My son walked across the high school graduation stage this past May.
At the time, I wanted to write about graduation and all the feelings that come with your firstborn completing his time in elementary and high school. But I couldn’t make it work. I couldn’t get my feelings into words. Anything I tried to type sounded so cliche. Everything I wrote had been written before. I felt nothing that thousands of moms before me haven’t felt.
So I went through the summer soaking in the fact that I have a graduate, talking with others about his plans and watching my friends’ graduates go through the same process as my son. Now I have something to say.
Where’s the Sadness?
This morning we said goodbye to my neighbor’s daughter who is leaving today for her freshman year in college. She cried when we said goodbye and I couldn’t help but tear up a little as well. She is thinking about the life she is leaving behind, the 18 years she has put in so far. But I am not as sad. She doesn’t know what I know.
Around graduation time, a few asked me how I am doing with seeing my son complete his high school years. I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t know how I felt. That time of year seemed like a whirlwind. The three teens living in our house kept us hopping 24/7. As a parent I didn’t really have time to think about anything, let alone assess how I felt about any given situation. Like all moms, the guilt of feeling nothing gnawed at my conscience. Am I a bad mom for not crying at the graduation of my firstborn?
The Gift of Time After Graduation
Well, God gives parents 10-12 weeks between graduation and freshman year in college for a reason. He gives us the gift of time. Time to think, evaluate, plan or maybe even avoid. For me, I needed the less busy season to get my bearings, step back and pay attention to my family situation.
A few days ago my co worker again asked me how I am doing with my son moving out in a few weeks. I answered quickly without much thought, which is unusual for me. I often contemplate my words, especially when it comes to emotional topics. But this time, for a change, I knew what I meant and I meant what I said.
“I am doing well. My son is exited and ready. He is tired of living with us and ready for more independence. He wants to make his own decisions and run his own life. I can’t be sad about that. Because he is excited, I am excited. Excited to see him spread his wings and grow in that way.”
And it’s true. When I think of us finding him a better car to drive to college, shopping for college needs and moving him into his dorm room, I feel excited. Of course not because I am soooo anxious to move him out of my house, but because he is getting a fresh start, a new beginning. And because he really wants this and feels eager to explore his own person. I am excited for him.
Sadness or Emotional Satisfaction?
If I take the time to look back, there is a small part of me that does feel sad. Of course I will miss his presence on a daily basis. And the days that he and the neighborhood friends hang out all day every day are over. The homemade forts, the bike rides, the lemonade stands, all in the past. They have had each other for years to laugh and fight with. Now they go in separate directions. But you know, the ones you grow up with will always be there for you. I know from experience. And I am thrilled and thankful my son has these friends as his life long support.
And of course I know there will be ups and downs. Hard knocks and life lessons escape no one who has ever walked on this earth. But the difficult times shape us too. I just pray they use the tough times to learn, and move on to be stronger, well rounded adults.
But I also know this. My son, our neighbor girl and all the other college freshman that I care so much about have wonderful times ahead. Time to use their skills, to meet fabulous friends and future spouses, and to put their faith into practice. They have such great bases and support back home that will carry them while they find themselves and the life they were meant for. Knowing they are well equipped brings great satisfaction to this momma.
Mom Feelings Are Complicated
So for the most part, sadness eludes me. These kids’ lives are just beginning. Something about new beginnings gets me all pumped up and motivated. Seeing these kids get a good grounded start in life makes me re-evaluate my own, wondering if I am where God wants me. But that is a whole different post….)
I need to let go of the mom guilt that says I need to be more sad than I am. Mom personalities come in all shapes and sizes. Some not necessarily better than others. We all put aside ourselves to raise children. We all want what is best for them. What is best includes creating self sufficient, eager adults. Ones that make us smile when they want to invest in themselves.
Of course I say I am not sad, but I have to admit that I cried off and on while typing this entire post. I like to think of the tears as ones of emotion, satisfaction, anticipation, nervous excitement, motherly joy… a myriad of feelings. I am a mom after all. Mostly though, my tears bring hope and affirmation.
