The Teenage Years. It’s an awkward stage of life for the teen and the parent. For many of us guardians, it is a difficult thing to support teens while stepping back. It is easier to protect them as our children.
Kids Are Precious At All Ages
My mom always said that she enjoyed her kids at every age and every stage. I have felt the same way. My toddlers were entertaining. Our eight and ten year olds used their imaginations and explored. My pre teens started to spread their wings. And my teenagers prove to be hilarious even when they don’t try to be. I love it all.
Parents Hurt When Their Kids Hurt
But recently I experienced an aspect of the teenage years that throws parents for a loop. No, it doesn’t have to do with dating, or puberty, or rebelliousness.
It has to do with hurt and confusion.
With my husband traveling for work, I happen to be single parenting when my 17 year old son comes home after being severely reprimanded by a superior. He feels blindsided by what had just happened, not really sure the reason behind it. He admits making some mistakes. But the way his mistakes were addressed by his superior doesn’t help him learn from them. It brings him down to the depths. The harsh words he received hurt deeply, causing him to analyze as far back as a year. Had he been doing a horrible job for many months and didn’t know it? Is he a terrible person? A wretched worker?
My son shed some tears. I don’t see these from him very often, so I shed some too. As a mom, so much goes through both my head and heart.
Sadness. It hurts deeply to see my child hurting, almost more than I can bear. Part of me is willing to do anything to stop the tears, even though I know unrelated compensation won’t solve the issue.
Anger. Who could be so disrespectful to another human being, especially my child? I badly want to make a phone call to find out why this happened.
Confusion. I thought things had been going well for him in this situation. He did too. This doesn’t make sense and now my son hurts for a reason that we don’t fully understand.
And here is the awkward part of the experience- My son is 17 years old. He is only a couple months from legal adulthood. Sure, as mom I could jump in and find out the details from another person. I could yell at someone for hurting my son. I could suggest he stay as far away from his superior as possible starting immediately. But what would that teach him for his adult life?
It would teach him that someone else will fight his battles. He could develop the attitude that tough situations are always someone else’s fault. And he might learn that avoidance or running away are sufficient methods to problem solving. I don’t want to teach any of these lessons to my kids. This will only hinder them. And since my child will be a legal adult soon, no better time than now to steer him in the right direction.
Support Teens While Stepping Back
After talking it out and settling down a bit, we agree on the same wretched conclusion. He has to go back. He has to fulfill his commitment to this person. I tell him to be the better person and do what his superior says, no matter how unfair. I tell him he will have to muster up courage for the next day, even though it might be one of the emotionally hardest days of his young life. He may very well make a different plan for the future, but for this one day, he will have to “smile and push through”.
Don’t get me wrong, the thought him walking back into that anxious and stressful situation put my stomach in knots. I had to go to my own job the next day, not fully available to my child and what he might have to endure. One of the longer days of my life.
But after many thoughts and prayers throughout the next day, everyone emerges with a better attitude. My son said he tried his very best, and actually received a thank you and a compliment from his superior at the day’s end. What a relief. I can’t help but smile at the lessons learned.
My heart swells at my son’s bravery. And because he chose to be brave, he gained some confidence in himself. Now he knows the value of a commitment. Now he knows that hurtful situations can be faced and not avoided. He will make a great 18 year old.
I learned to take a step back. I learned to listen and not jump in. Moms have an instinct to protect, but that isn’t always the most beneficial for the child. I now know that even though my emotions run high, I can give my child advice on how to handle tough situations without taking over. The whole experience was just as hard on mom as it was son, but both of our hurt turned into good.
And after these tough days, we agreed he should find a new superior
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