Are you a young mom? I should clarify what I mean by that term. In my mind, “young mom” describes a mother with very young children. She herself does not have to be very young. As long as a woman is mothering children younger than five years old, she is a “young mom.” If you fall into this mothering category, you know the challenges that come with chasing after wee ones. Add losing your own mom to this stage of life, and the challenges multiply. Let me tell you about my own struggles.
Mothering Without Mom
Maybe mothering really doesn’t change after a woman loses her own mom. Maybe I just made this circumstance more complicated in my head than it needed to be. Having a one year old and a four year old when I lost my mom to breast cancer, I felt fearful to go on as a young mom. My mom has always been a rock solid presence in my life, a sense of support even when we didn’t live close in proximity to each other. Now that I don’t have a physical and emotional example of a mother, how will I mother these young children? What kind of mother will I be with no motherly support?
As a young mom at the time, these questions swirl around in my mind as I timidly continue on with life. Most of my efforts consist of trying to manage my new and continuing circumstances. I worry about my kids being without a grandma and my dad being alone, while still trying to be a wife and day to day mother. All while grieving the mother I just lost. Can I handle all of these thoughts and emotions and still be attentive to my young children’s emotional and physical needs? Am I unintentionally hurting them with my emotional baggage? Every day I go through the motions, not really knowing what I am doing, but I just keep going because I have to.
Some rough moments pop up in that year after my mom died. I cry while opening my mother’s day gift from my kids. I sometimes feel the need to just get away by myself, which my husband resented. In the back of my mind I worry about how I am affecting my little ones, but I don’t know how to change my reaction to my circumstances. I feel as if I am doing my best and it isn’t good enough. But still I trudge along…
And I after the years pass I realize two things:
- My kids were so young when my mom died that they don’t know any different. They won’t remember life with my mom, which cuts me to the core. But this also means they don’t understand the difference between knowing grandma and not knowing her. I guess this saves them some hurt. The situation hurts me more than them.
- I CAN mother without my mom because her work is done. In her living years she taught me everything I need to know to survive motherhood without her. I know this because I hear her words when I am speaking- the same words she would say to me as a child. I see her smile when I look in the mirror- seriously, we have a lot of the same expressions. A sense of comfort settles in when I make her recipes, the ones written in her handwriting. Believe me, I don’t want to mother without her, but I am able to because of all the hard work she put into mothering me.
Looking back, I think I probably over analyzed the situation. I had to adjust to a different life and found it scary. Some of the hardest moments still are those that find me wondering how to proceed with my own kids. I don’t have my mom to ask the little questions to. My oldest wants to take swim lessons. When did I start as a child? My youngest still isn’t walking at 15 months. When did I start walking as a baby? My teenager wants to drive to West Des Moines. Did I do that at his age? No one remembers these things now that mom is gone. I have to start from scratch, ask around and google for suggestions on how to handle these situations.
If you find yourself in the difficult situation of being a young mom without a mother of your own, don’t be too hard on yourself. When in doubt, ask around. Get opinions. Rely on friends. And as for your young children, they forgiving and resilient. They love you for being with them, even if you shed a tear here and there. Do your best and it will be good enough. You have everything you need. After all, your own mom did a great job with you.
Did you find this post helpful? See the related post Introducing My Past- A Loved One Lost.
