Part of me doesn’t like to air my thoughts on social media. I don’t write for attention and don’t especially love to talk about my writing when I run into people I know on the street. As my pastor’s wife suggested, I write for me, and if it helps someone else out there, even better. That is why I share. Maybe you will be able to relate to some of my thoughts (or walls) in this post.
I can’t believe it, but I am getting to a “certain age.” Not that I am claiming to be old or dried up, but my life is changing in two over arching ways.
In an eight week study I have been attending at church, I have been learning about working through “walls.” A wall is a metaphoric term for a point in one’s life where she might come to an end of normalcy, come to a realization, or maybe a point of examination or reflection.
A wall isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It might be painful at the time, forcing one to self examine or wrestle with God. But from past experience, I know that coming out on the other side brings benefits galore.
Anyway, two walls have emerged lately: I have hit a wall in my every day life, and I have hit a wall in my spiritual life. The every day events are new, and I am trying to get used to them. Spiritual wall is not new. Or at least, it is not the first time I have experienced it. I just didn’t have the title “wall” for it in the past.
Every Day Wall
Several things make me go “Hmmm” these days.
Whose Body Is This?
Physically I don’t recognize myself. What the heck? Where did these extra 10 pounds come from? I don’t feel like I am eating any differently than previously in my life, and yet that seems to be the problem. I can’t eat the things I am used to. And how I eat during the week actually makes a difference on how my clothes fit on the weekend. I have heard of this phenomenon but never thought it would happen to me. I exercise but barely maintain. One minute I think “screw it” and I eat the cake. The next minute I am furious at my tight pants and I eat the veggies. Hate it. And I chuckle at life at the same time. Not used to it but trying to accept it.
Minus One Kid
As I have mentioned before, my oldest moved into a college dorm this school year. As much as I love this for him, it still feels so strange for our household. His absence brings a combination of sadness and satisfaction. And now that I am used to his absence, he is coming home this weekend for a quick visit, and that feels strange too. Good, but strange. His coming and going should feel normal and joyful for a mom. But I can’t help but notice my emotions all over the place about it.
Death
It sounds depressing, but I am to the age where I have to accept losing people around me. My husband and I have lost parents, our friends are losing parents, and I am even losing a friend at a young age. Recently I learned of the death of a young man I used to babysit for. How did I get here? I greatly miss my college days when I had both my parents, all of my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and felt no threat of my family or friends leaving this earth. I am trying to find the balance of accepting this part of life without the fear of who I might lose next. It isn’t easy.
A Spiritual Wall
The Christian study I have been attending is based on the book “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero.
After the first couple of weeks I wanted to run from it. Too much personal reflection and too much sharing in the small group for me. Nope, not into digging so deep that it hurts. And certainly not sharing that hurt.
But it has been a great blessing. Don’t get me wrong, I have walked away from the small group time with a hurt that lasts for days. The hurt didn’t come from other people, but from clearing away cobwebs after self examination. In spite of the pain, I can feel the Holy Spirit working through the tough reflection and sharing time. I highly recommend this book.
Ahhh…I Can Relate!
Anyway, in the book Peter talks about being stuck in our Christian faith. A person who hits a spiritual wall might feel the following. “Our good feelings of God’s presence evaporate. Feeling that heaven’s doors have been shut as we pray. Darkness, helplessness, weariness failure, defeat, emptiness descend upon us. Christian disciplines that have helped up until now no longer work. We can’t see what God is doing and have little visible fruit in our lives.” (page 103)
And I knew I was there. What I have experienced since the death of my father-in-law last February is finally put into words. I have felt somewhat alone, as though it were my fault that I have been feeling so distant from God, that I am not trying hard enough. But Peter assures that hitting a spiritual wall is normal, and God uses those lonely feelings for good. We just have to be diligent in working through them. Waiting on God. Being patient with ourselves.
Obviously there is much more to a person working her way through a spiritual wall, but it feels good to know that someone else has been there and lived to tell about it. I hate that Satan uses guilt and loneliness to make us feel terrible about ourselves. But God has the last word.
Working Through Walls- Summing It Up
So there you have it, a brief summary of my walls. Just some things I am working through as a 45 year old woman. I know I will be a better person for wrestling with these things, but the wrestling isn’t what I would call a great time. Having hit walls before, I am guessing that I will work through my current concerns just in time to hit new walls in my 50s. 🙂
Hope you somehow feel comfort knowing others out there wrestle. You are not alone.
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Hi Jodi! Wonderful post. Sounds interesting! I’ve certainly had some brick walls in life. Looking back afterwards I can see the Lord had victory every time. The Holy Spirit guides and assists us in life’s transitions and challenges.