Three weeks have passed since Ky arrived at our house. It seems like so much has happened in those 3 weeks, even though nothing extraordinary has taken place. The weeks have been ones of trial, instruction and just plain guessing.
For starters, I have to say that when it comes to housing an international student, we won the lottery. Ky couldn’t be much easier to have around. He obeys rules with a smile, cleans up after himself, and makes great effort to be on time. So when I mention trials, it doesn’t mean we got a bad apple. It just means we have experienced the awkward time period in which strangers acclimate to living in the same house.
Trials
It has to be weird for my kids to have suddenly gained another teen in the household. They say their worlds contain all that is good and fine, but I can tell my son stops for an extra deep breath here and there to keep calm and cool. I think he feels the pains of sharing more than his is used to, sharing the bathroom, sharing our attention, sharing talking time. We moved my daughter to a room in the basement so Ky could have her upstairs room. Now that she lives in the depths of the house, she tends to hibernate down there. We don’t see her hanging around upstairs as much as we used to. I am unsure if this relates to her teenage stage or if this relates to a stranger in our home. Either way it concerns me as a mom.
For my husband and I, the challenges have been more physical and time related. Not only do we have another teen, we have one that doesn’t drive. Don’t get me wrong, living 25 miles from school, we are familiar with hauling kids to activities. But driving a third teen with a whole new schedule has run us a little ragged. We very much want Ky to be involved in school activities. We just have to adjust to what this requires of us as parents. As spouses, we seem to miss each other in this crazy life. We look at each other at the end of each day like we we haven’t seen the other in years. It is frustrating. We need to make sure we communicate and connect among the busy adjustments.
Instruction
One thing the International Program director stressed to us is the importance of saying everything out loud. A young man from China does not know our customs, our household rules, or our schedules. Every expectation needs to be stated. We try to remember this on a daily basis, but sometimes our human nature assumptions take over and we unknowingly find ourselves on different pages. For instance, we expect the kids to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher, but not if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean and need to be put away. We forgot to say this last part and found some dirty among the clean. Or when we do laundry on Saturdays, all clothes that have been worn need to be included. Not just one pair of shorts. Or when running on the cross country team, one doesn’t wear cotton khaki shorts and heavy clunky shoes. We forget that our new family member is- 1. A freshman boy. 2. A freshman boy from China. The deck is kind of stacked against him. Things need to be explained out loud.
This idea of verbalizing everything has been good for me as I tend to base my life on verbalizing as little as possible and keeping to myself. I could use some stretching. My husband, on the other hand, very much enjoys another person to state the obvious to. He loves that someone will listen to his repetitive statements since the rest of us tuned him out years ago.
Guessing
Even though much of our lives needs to be explained to Ky, a fine line exists between teaching and condescending. The problem lies in the fact that none of us know where that line lies. Much of everyday life with a teen from China involves a guessing game.
When Ky arrived, we immediately knew he possessed a quiet and shy nature. My family respected this, but it made it difficult to asses what he understands and knows. For instance, at first I talked slowly and distinctly, not knowing how much English Ky could understand. Now I realize I talked to him as I would talk to a toddler. He probably thought me the most annoying mom on the planet. But I had to guess. And l later learned he understands most of what I say in a normal speaking voice and tone. We also showed him how to set an alarm clock and turn on a reading light. All things most likely insulting to him. Oops.
Guessing also comes when deciding if something needs to be said out loud. Does he know his shirt and shorts don’t match, and does he care? Should we tell most Americans don’t sing a quarter of their conversation like we do? Does he know ketchup on an egg sandwich is gross? (Matter of opinion, I know.)
And we have to guess his emotions and intentions at times. When Ky laughs loudly and sarcastically after I laugh…is he making fun of me like my own kids do, or is he sincerely laughing? If he talks about being afraid of the brain eating amoebas in Lake Red Rock, is he legitimately afraid or being a weird teenager? When he says something ridiculous with a straight face, is he trying to be funny or is he unintentionally misusing his English? Some of these we may never know.
I Think We Will Keep Him
In addition to adjusting to Ky living with us, we enjoy the kid we are getting to know. We laugh when he jokes about his new last name- VanderMars. The Mars part reflects the fact that he is an alien in a strange land. It interests us to hear about life in China and how it differs from American life. It amazes me when I discover one of Ky’s passions- after 3 weeks he finally discusses his love for cars. And I appreciate him when he listens and complies better than my own kids. Already he has settled into our routine, becoming much more structured in his free time and contented during ours. I look forward to this school year with this stranger who is slowly becoming more familiar.
