It takes a good four months to get to know him.
These words fall on my ears while grocery shopping today. I run into a trusted parent and fellow international student host among the busy food shoppers. She asks me how Ky is adjusting to our household. The truth is, I am not sure how to answer that.
Every day life goes very smoothly. Ky does what he is asked and never holds us up. He gets up in the morning on time, gets his own breakfast, readies himself for leaving the house, and walks out the door when the time arrives. In the evening he clears his plate, takes his turn emptying the dishwasher, does his homework and showers without being asked. If only I could take the credit for raising him. I would look like a rock star parent.
Ky’s temperament resembles the even ground of Nebraska- it is always the same. He has lived with us two months and I have yet to see a bad mood. His face has two dispositions, pleasant and smiling. If only my two teens were so easy to be around.
I Can’t Read Your Mind
But when someone asks me how he is doing, I am not sure how to answer. I have no idea what goes on in that head. I can’t really get inside.
From observing this one child, I assume (maybe wrongly) that his Chinese culture purposely keeps emotions in. He shrugs off hugs (which I don’t mind because they aren’t necessarily my bag either). When I ask about his parents, he gives me quick answers with little detail. Sometimes I ask about life in China and he seems disinterested. Recently I asked what he misses most about home. He named a few things quickly, and follows up with “but is ok.” Even when his parents left our home that final time to return to China without their only child, no tears appeared on any of their faces.
I may not know Chinese culture well, but I know the human race. I know that 14 year old boy has to miss home immensely- the food, the family, the friends, the language. The teenage years prove awkward for everyone, but throw a teen into a new country, culture and language and the emotional flailing just has to magnify. Even though he does life very well here in America, every step must feel oh so foreign. Ky isn’t fooling me. I am not new to teenagers.
But at the same time, I can’t get inside his head. He safely tucks away any vulnerability. When I ask his opinion, he thinks before he doesn’t give an answer. Even when I ask what his favorite anything is, he skirts the question or says “I don’t know.” I do have to share my favorite of his answers though. I asked him which American food is his favorite so far. He wouldn’t pin down one specific food, but he did say “Jodi’s home cooking.” The boy knows how to win some brownie points. Or maybe he just knows how to get a mom off his back.
On top his reserved culture, Ky’s personality appears reserved. He doesn’t readily talk or keep conversation going. He doesn’t offer thoughts easily. I have a difficult time distinguishing whether his closed nature is due to his upbringing or his personality. Maybe it is a combination.
Maybe Some Hope Ahead
So when my fellow parent tells me it took 4 months to get to know her international student, I feel a certain calm (Thank you Marla). The day may come when I know at least one of Ky’s opinions. Maybe in the future I will be able to read his expressions. And if we really make progress, maybe he will feel comfortable speaking his thoughts out loud.
But for now we continue to support him like we do our own kids, enjoying his smiles and his easy way of living everyday life.
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