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It’s not easy being an in-law.

I have known this for almost 23 years already. Just like marriage, being an in-law takes work, patience, tolerance. It means knowing when to speak up and knowing when to hold your tongue. It means forgiving as well as knowing others forgive you.

I am no expert at life as an in-law. I only write what I have observed and figured out. Just when I think this in-law thing might not be so complicated, the game changes. The game changed for me a week and a half ago.

No Warning

My father in-law suddenly left this earth. In the morning he went about his every day business, chatting, errands, property maintenance. In the afternoon he had some trouble breathing, and then his heart stopped. He was gone in just a few moments at 67 years old.

A whirlwind followed. Supporting, supporting, supporting…my husband, my mother in-law, my kids. Planning, planning, planning… a funeral, a burial, schedules for the week. Grieving grieving grieving…a natural reaction that maybe should come first, but seems last priority after supporting and planning.

I could say this isn’t fair, but I have learned that fairness has no part in death. It would be easy to go on and on about the shock of it all, but come surprise or preparation, the end is still the same. I could talk about the blessing of a quick death, without suffering, the way we all want to go, but no one feels blessed right now. We just take each day at a time instead of analyzing the situation as a whole.

Without Even Trying

To my out-laws (in-laws): Please don’t think me impersonal when reading this blog. I am only brainstorming over this loss and how it changes things. You all matter to me. 🙂 Now, moving on…

Something strange about in-laws: even if your whole married life you try to keep your distance, try to keep your nose out of things, try not to get emotionally involved because you can’t control much on that side of the family anyway- over the years an invisible, involuntary force works its magic, and the in-laws become family. And even if they don’t feel like family when everyone lives, they become family when one of them dies, if for no other reason than they matter greatly to your husband.

It tears me up inside to see my husband grieving. This usually strong, practical guy doesn’t have time for such things in everyday life. So to see him hurt by losing a loved one hurts me, and his loved ones become my loved ones.

On top of seeing my husband hurt, losing a family member forces me to re-evaluate. After decades of knowing family dynamics, the dynamics suddenly change when the family is down by one. It feels like basket upset, like life as we know it is gone, like if we ever had control, we sure don’t have it now. Will life ever feel right again? Back to normal? Or at least close? And by wishing things are right again, am I admitting they were right before? Was my life in order and I didn’t even know it?

No Choice But To Move Forward

Regardless whether life is or was in order, I can’t change the way things are now. So how should I proceed in my role as an in law?

For now, on top of just trying to be a decent, acceptable in-law, I simply strive to be a supportive family member. For the sake of my husband, my kids, my mother in-law and everyone hurting, I try to be present and in the moment. Once life becomes routine again (assuming it will), it will be easy to take family for granted. It will be easy to forget the people and focus on the every day work. But that is why I write these blogs: to remind myself of the event that gave perspective, that highlighted the family that remains and the member that was lost.

More blogs like this one:

January 14, 2006- A Loved One Lost

Lasts and Firsts- A Loved One Lost

Mothering Without Mom- A Loved One Lost